MYSTERY KUNG FU THEATER
Atop the mountain we climbed while carrying firewood and reciting Buddhist mantras, and in the temple where we learned our kung fu craft, we swore to secrecy the name of our MYSTERY KUNG FU THEATER! title, and that if we divulge the name of the MYSTERY KUNG FU THEATER! film, our swords will be confiscated and our limbs bludgeoned by the Shaolin Abbot’s furious fists. In other words, we can’t tell you what it is.
But if you show up to the 36th Chamber of UltraStar at 8:45pm on Monday, April 21, all will be revealed through blistering strikes and your daily dose of sweaty shirtless men.
All you need to know is:
- It will be from the old school. None of this CGI business.
- Characters will be speaking with their fists, but when forced to use dialogue, it will be in English-subtitled Mandarin.
- There will be blood. (The ketchup-red, splattering out of an impaled chest kind, of course.)
- No refunds, just as you cannot escape the ring once you realize your opponent is a 400-pound Russian lady named Natalia.
- It’s not available on DVD in the U.S. so chances are you’ve never seen it.
- After the film you will not be allowed to reveal what you saw online or in print, though you can write it down in a secret scroll that you can pass on to your descendants.